Hanging on to memories...

There's this song I like, and every single person in my family knows about it, it's called "Lazy Daisy" a song performed perfectly by an Argentine comedy-musical group.


My brother used to like them a lot and in our teenage years we used to listen to their music, sing along and my brother made the funniest faces when singing their songs, it's impossible not to laugh really.
One of our favorite songs was LAZY DAISY. We kind of knew it by heart and we laughed so much at what happened or what we thought happened, because back then we had no Internet and had no idea what some sounds were for or what was happening, we just knew one day we'd be able to watch them. I remember the first time we watched a Les Luthiers' video, it was at a place we liked to go to called Trovajazz, we loved it so much! and Les Luthiers and Trovajazz just became part of who we were.

One day, such as any other, my brother was walking back home and this dog started walking next to him, it looked like a nice dog so my brother just let it walk next to him.

When he got home the dog stood outside looking at him as if it were talking to him. So my brother called me and then I saw this beautiful dog whose tail had been almost removed with surgery or something, but the little tail it had, was moving from one side to the other with excitement, so we let her in. My mom wasn't too pleased at the beginning but who could say no to that sweet face. We gave her water and food and I told my mom I knew where she lived, (or at least that's what I thought).

The next day we took her to where I thought she lived, and suprise! it wasn't her house...
We decided to keep her until we could find a suitable house for her, which never came, not because we couldn't find it but because we couldn't let her go, we love her so much.

We named her Daisy... it was the perfect name for her.

Years passed and she's been in my house for around 9 or 10 years, she's extremely sweet and smart, she's a great dog.


Today we found out that she has to go under surgery to remove some tumors she has... as I watched her today, a little confused about what was going on since nothing like this had ever happened to her I kept remembering my brother and I started thinking how we try to hang on to every singe thing that reminds us of that person who's no longer with us, I kept thinking how I refuse to let her go because it represents so many things to me...
I can't know for sure if what I'm doing is right (hanging on like this...) but it feels right and I'll do everything that's in my power to make her feel ok and happy.



Lesson learned:

Sometimes we hang on to memories to survive, it is only surviving how we can start to live again.

The dorky smile...

There's this blog I read sometimes, and she mentions "the dorky wave" something like that... well... I have recently discovered I have a dorky smile hehehe... it's when I get certain phone calls from my love one or when I read certain notes... you know...


:) it's funny


Lesson learned:

You should always have a dorky smile at hand, it might be useful :)

...Heal...

You know... healing is an interesting process...

Sometimes, we tell ourselves that we are healing or that we want to heal, but that's just what we want; saying it might not mean it's actually happening.

Sometimes I don't really know how to structure what I feel and everything becomes so abstract and strange that in the end I feel this hole inside me that hurts... and sometimes I feel that it's not just in my mind, like it really hurts. Like when you decide to kill a feeling.

Sometimes I feel there's so much to do, so much to be done, so much we need to learn and a lot of things that need changing.
I've noticed how after the storm, we always stay quiet, think, think some more and sometimes make decisions, choose, define and so many other things that shouldn't be done in moments like that one, but that's what normally happens.

When it rains inside and I feel the storm coming, I normally go back to my old self, I start remembering who I was, what I liked and there's always a song or two I remember, and by singing them, I remember who I was and think that, maybe that's my safe spot.

What is healing really? Forgetting? Because if you try to find it online you can discover that the first type of healing you'll have is physical... and this one sounds more like psychological or something, but we're not getting into what we can't explain. I'll stick to saying that people say that when you have a broken heart, you need to go through a healing process, whatever that means...

I had a friend once, we used to talk over the phone for hours, and when I say hours I mean... 2 to 3 hours sometimes more... and honestly, I don't even remember what we used to talk about!! but it was so much fun, so amazing, or at least that's the feeling I got, even if in the end we didn't talk about anything concrete, we would just listen to music and talk about meaningless things, but it was fun.

He used to tell me that I always thought about every single thing I was going to say; that I couldn't just feel it and say whatever I had in mind, but that I always had to analyze it and then say it.

I guess I was always like that, measuring risks and thinking about a possible response before even saying anything... all those things, prevent you from really feeling, because when you just say them... you might actually get hurt and I guess that's what I avoided.

Being hurt takes you to the healing process and how do you heal?? I mean... what can you do??? Do you talk to every single friend you have and get different advice?
Do you talk to your best friend and pay attention and wait for an interesting idea, something that might convince you?
Do you talk to yourself, advice yourself, which, in a way would be tricking yourself into believing that the easiest way will be the right way?
Do you talk to your mom, your boyfriend, your dead brother? What to do?
When you get hurt, there should always be a solution, even if that solution involves 30 chocolates (which of course, is not a real solution)

Unless you decide not to heal...
Maybe you'll leave it there for years to come and transform it into resentment, pain and bitter roots inside your heart...
There has to be a way... your own way.



Lesson learned:
If you ever got or get hurt, there should always be a healing process, a big change a small change, something!
Unless you want to leave it inside and you know that the time will come in which you'll have to heal, otherwise, that pain will always be there with you, when you walk, talk, and love.
It doesn't matter if what you need to heal is from when you were 6, 7 or 24, find the way, your own way to heal, learn from it, forget, move on and be happy again.

...Rainbow...

After all the rain... there should always be a rainbow...

One of the poems I wrote after I found my boyfriend is called: Raindrops, I wrote it - August 9th, 2010 - I thought I'd share...

...Is the sun not beautiful enough

to make you want to smile?
... Is a rainbow not big enough to make you want to look its way...?
...Are raindrops not magical enough to make you want to feel them on your face...? Is a short hello not enough to make you want to know more?

... I met you out of nowhere...
I hadn't noticed you were there...
we talked and thought it was as short as a morning breeze...
I knew we had met before.

Like when there's nothing to hide

and it seems as if you're talking to the starry sky...
I said everything...
unable to lie, unable to fight, just floating
... into the unknown.

And I wondered and thought something I had only said to myself before

...is this real?...

My whole life I felt as if this huge cloud had set upon my head
I felt there was no way out but to be by myself
I had always waited and waited and had no reply
until I met you... until you came...

I later realized I hadn't thought it through,
I felt the most miserable girl around and none of that was true.

And then I saw it.... I saw the rainbow... :)



With my love...

...Rain...

...miré al cielo y vi que todo estaba nublado...estaba a punto de llover...

llover afuera porque llovía adentro..

blank blank blank blank blank... I guess that's easier than actually thinking about what's wrong isn't it?

You know, people say that in my country it always rains for independence day, and it always does... we used to have parades and stuff like that and everybody knew that taking an umbrella would always be the right choice... then, the parades stopped, people changed and now, they run with a torch to show, to prove that they're happy we are independent, although most of them are there just because of the run and the fun, not because independence means much to them... they anyways get wet, and that's part of the fun.

Sometimes it rains outside and everybody notices, many want to jump in puddles and enjoy life a little, sometimes not everybody can see, just if you pay attention and look carefully, you'll see that a couple of people notice, but then... it might actually rain outside (and right now I just had this image of a house with every single piece of furniture and possession floating in a sea of tap water...)

When it rains inside, flowers die if you stare...time flies quickly and afraid or stays for the torture.

When it's pouring inside a tear or two might actually escape the prision... you're afraid to answer and smiles seem to fade...there is no right answer.

I think there is always a way of finishing something with a positive note, and that's how it should be...

Sometimes I find myself realizing that I contradict what I say, and isn't that normal? if not, I'd say I'm not human; but if I tell myself that I was born to be happy and I find myself crying for the last 3 to 4 hours, my mind needs to have an explanation.

Letting everything flow inside when it rains and letting it out allows me to learn something. We might want to kill a couple of feelings and wishes so that we don't suffer anymore and we may, I think that's fair enough, if it's killing you, kill it first - the feeling, I mean-

Now, killing a feeling should always come with a positive note - beeing the end of something and all - when remembering the wish you've ended, think about what you'll do next, think about how what you've done has helped you, how it's the best option, the greatest decision, etc. If no positive answers come from that or your answers involve the word pain and suffer then maybe you shouldn't have killed it, maybe you should have done something about it.

Lesson Learned:

When it rains inside, you should let it out, if not, you might experience a flood. If you do, you should always finish with a positive note.