...Heal...

You know... healing is an interesting process...

Sometimes, we tell ourselves that we are healing or that we want to heal, but that's just what we want; saying it might not mean it's actually happening.

Sometimes I don't really know how to structure what I feel and everything becomes so abstract and strange that in the end I feel this hole inside me that hurts... and sometimes I feel that it's not just in my mind, like it really hurts. Like when you decide to kill a feeling.

Sometimes I feel there's so much to do, so much to be done, so much we need to learn and a lot of things that need changing.
I've noticed how after the storm, we always stay quiet, think, think some more and sometimes make decisions, choose, define and so many other things that shouldn't be done in moments like that one, but that's what normally happens.

When it rains inside and I feel the storm coming, I normally go back to my old self, I start remembering who I was, what I liked and there's always a song or two I remember, and by singing them, I remember who I was and think that, maybe that's my safe spot.

What is healing really? Forgetting? Because if you try to find it online you can discover that the first type of healing you'll have is physical... and this one sounds more like psychological or something, but we're not getting into what we can't explain. I'll stick to saying that people say that when you have a broken heart, you need to go through a healing process, whatever that means...

I had a friend once, we used to talk over the phone for hours, and when I say hours I mean... 2 to 3 hours sometimes more... and honestly, I don't even remember what we used to talk about!! but it was so much fun, so amazing, or at least that's the feeling I got, even if in the end we didn't talk about anything concrete, we would just listen to music and talk about meaningless things, but it was fun.

He used to tell me that I always thought about every single thing I was going to say; that I couldn't just feel it and say whatever I had in mind, but that I always had to analyze it and then say it.

I guess I was always like that, measuring risks and thinking about a possible response before even saying anything... all those things, prevent you from really feeling, because when you just say them... you might actually get hurt and I guess that's what I avoided.

Being hurt takes you to the healing process and how do you heal?? I mean... what can you do??? Do you talk to every single friend you have and get different advice?
Do you talk to your best friend and pay attention and wait for an interesting idea, something that might convince you?
Do you talk to yourself, advice yourself, which, in a way would be tricking yourself into believing that the easiest way will be the right way?
Do you talk to your mom, your boyfriend, your dead brother? What to do?
When you get hurt, there should always be a solution, even if that solution involves 30 chocolates (which of course, is not a real solution)

Unless you decide not to heal...
Maybe you'll leave it there for years to come and transform it into resentment, pain and bitter roots inside your heart...
There has to be a way... your own way.



Lesson learned:
If you ever got or get hurt, there should always be a healing process, a big change a small change, something!
Unless you want to leave it inside and you know that the time will come in which you'll have to heal, otherwise, that pain will always be there with you, when you walk, talk, and love.
It doesn't matter if what you need to heal is from when you were 6, 7 or 24, find the way, your own way to heal, learn from it, forget, move on and be happy again.

...Rainbow...

After all the rain... there should always be a rainbow...

One of the poems I wrote after I found my boyfriend is called: Raindrops, I wrote it - August 9th, 2010 - I thought I'd share...

...Is the sun not beautiful enough

to make you want to smile?
... Is a rainbow not big enough to make you want to look its way...?
...Are raindrops not magical enough to make you want to feel them on your face...? Is a short hello not enough to make you want to know more?

... I met you out of nowhere...
I hadn't noticed you were there...
we talked and thought it was as short as a morning breeze...
I knew we had met before.

Like when there's nothing to hide

and it seems as if you're talking to the starry sky...
I said everything...
unable to lie, unable to fight, just floating
... into the unknown.

And I wondered and thought something I had only said to myself before

...is this real?...

My whole life I felt as if this huge cloud had set upon my head
I felt there was no way out but to be by myself
I had always waited and waited and had no reply
until I met you... until you came...

I later realized I hadn't thought it through,
I felt the most miserable girl around and none of that was true.

And then I saw it.... I saw the rainbow... :)



With my love...

...Rain...

...miré al cielo y vi que todo estaba nublado...estaba a punto de llover...

llover afuera porque llovía adentro..

blank blank blank blank blank... I guess that's easier than actually thinking about what's wrong isn't it?

You know, people say that in my country it always rains for independence day, and it always does... we used to have parades and stuff like that and everybody knew that taking an umbrella would always be the right choice... then, the parades stopped, people changed and now, they run with a torch to show, to prove that they're happy we are independent, although most of them are there just because of the run and the fun, not because independence means much to them... they anyways get wet, and that's part of the fun.

Sometimes it rains outside and everybody notices, many want to jump in puddles and enjoy life a little, sometimes not everybody can see, just if you pay attention and look carefully, you'll see that a couple of people notice, but then... it might actually rain outside (and right now I just had this image of a house with every single piece of furniture and possession floating in a sea of tap water...)

When it rains inside, flowers die if you stare...time flies quickly and afraid or stays for the torture.

When it's pouring inside a tear or two might actually escape the prision... you're afraid to answer and smiles seem to fade...there is no right answer.

I think there is always a way of finishing something with a positive note, and that's how it should be...

Sometimes I find myself realizing that I contradict what I say, and isn't that normal? if not, I'd say I'm not human; but if I tell myself that I was born to be happy and I find myself crying for the last 3 to 4 hours, my mind needs to have an explanation.

Letting everything flow inside when it rains and letting it out allows me to learn something. We might want to kill a couple of feelings and wishes so that we don't suffer anymore and we may, I think that's fair enough, if it's killing you, kill it first - the feeling, I mean-

Now, killing a feeling should always come with a positive note - beeing the end of something and all - when remembering the wish you've ended, think about what you'll do next, think about how what you've done has helped you, how it's the best option, the greatest decision, etc. If no positive answers come from that or your answers involve the word pain and suffer then maybe you shouldn't have killed it, maybe you should have done something about it.

Lesson Learned:

When it rains inside, you should let it out, if not, you might experience a flood. If you do, you should always finish with a positive note.

Write your own story...

We were all born in this world to be happy...
When you forget your purpose, your path, your objective...

when something has gone terribly wrong with your life...

when hope is gone, smiles fade, relationships crack and joy seems to fade...

remember this:

We were all born in this world to be happy

There's no other purpose, I think... that is, speaking in a very general way, because of course... being specific, some things might change...

Keep in mind that we all have a purpose in life, whether it is to change someone's life or to.... change someone's life?

I honestly think that we all change someone's life in a way...

When my brother passed away, the first thing I thought as I walk closer and closer to his crashed car was... " there must be a reason" it has been almost 4 years and I can say that it took a while for me to get the reason... and it was deeper than I had imagined... 4 years later, I continue to learn new lessons.

People who's short lives have been struck by illness, problems, suicide, sudden death and so many others, in a way, no matter if you knew them or not they have made a difference...

Just by you, saying it, thinking about it or if it makes you reflect, then, that's the purpose...

This idea is a lot bigger than these lines, that's for sure... but knowing that you were born to be happy, if you are aware that every second of your life will change somebody's life then, know that you write your own story...

A story where you might walk under the rain holding hands, a story where you might love without blinking, a story where you'll choose happiness and joy and where every single choice you make, is the right one.

Lesson learned:

Being aware of why you're here might take you in the path in which you'll know who you are.

As long as you don't forget your purpose, what thrives you, what moves you.

Don't forget to remember...and don't forget yourself.

There's this poem I wrote once...

It's called, the empty box... For some reason it got such a huge audience, well.. not huge, but say, in around one week or two more than a hundred people had read it... I guess it has something to do with the title, or is it something that happens to people constantly, I thought I would be the only one to understand it, but I guess it wasn't like that...

THE EMPTY BOX

I feel like talking to an empty box that won't answer
an empty box that will only let me hear...
myself
my thoughts
my empty words...
I feel like talking to an empty box I know won't listen
to part with no good byes
as usual...
I feel like crying in your shoulder
to hold you tight and don't let go...
as it seems to be
in my dreams
with no pain
nor with screams
nothing that seems to be
out of life,
filled with pride
only thee...
where the box... is no more
but I hear, your sweet voice
just like music in my ear
in my thoughts
in my heart
and we'll flee...you and me
to a place...
in my dreams.



Lesson learned:

Talking to the empty box is something you should avoid at all cost... because it will make you a miserable daydreamer... not that it's bad, because I was one for many years, but you have to figure out if that's what you want for you... to be a daydreamer or to live real dreams...

There's this one word I don't know...

I have no idea how to define it...
like when you don't even know how you feel...
sad? not quite... but I can't think of any other...
I feel like I have forgotten how to write poems
and I don't know anymore...
as if everything were about to end...
and like there's this huge wall
that's not even letting me think about it...
or figure out what it is....
I feel like being quiet and not speaking anymore
as if the flowers were about to die if I stare at them...
I feel as if I had just absorbed this huge feeling and I need to handle it...

I hadn't really thought about it, maybe I should read some more, because I actually believe it's possible, to absorb someone's feelings or energy if we have to name it differently...
I feel like falling asleep right now and not wanting to hear anyone's voice...
it's like this struggle inside me that tells me that I've forgotten who I am and that I'm just overreacting....
I think it's the second one, for sure...
It'll be over soon...

Lesson learned:
I, in a way, feel like I got what I wanted, and now don't know how to handle it.
Be careful what you wish for...

Follow your heart...

So... an interesting thing happened a month ago...

I got a call at 2 in the morning and it was my friend Mery Jane..
She said: "kasiaaaaa.... you'll never believe it...!!" and what came next was an amazing story...

Remember the dog I took to the vet a while back?
Well... Mary Jane had had her for one month exactly when one of those days, she went to a party with her husband and when they came back they heard this strange noise but still went to bed, Marley seemed fine.

After a while, when they were about to fall asleep, they kept hearing this noise..! so they look at each other, go outside and then realize that our dear Marley has just had 5 puppies!!! and that's when the phone call happened...Nobody knew!! and apparently, not even our vet..!
I hadn't met them yet until a couple of weeks ago, when they had their first visit to the vet... it was then when I met those beauties... and I absolutely loved them..!

Roc, Roy, Ros, and Rob...!!

And how about a great picture of their mom..!!! She couldn't be in a better place...it makes my heart smile when I see how happy she is, and how different it is to see her now than when she was hurt..

Remember this? What a difference...

The first time I saw her again after leaving her with Mery Jane, she just jumped, wagged her tail and seemed to smile...!
Rob is gonna come to my house, if I could I would take them all.
Well, I still haven't gotten the yes from my mom, but I'm sure I'll get it...!

Lesson Learned:

Who would have known that when I took that dog to the vet, that instead of saving 1 dog I was saving 5, and it actually feels a lot better that what I had thought...

You should always follow your heart... the moment I heard there was a dog that had been hit by a car, I absolutely said yes and I don't regret it at all. That feeling you get, is beyond compare.

I was a single mom with a crappy job...

I had a strange dream... another strange dream...


I don't remember much of it, but I do remember I had an 8 or 9 year old boy and I knew I was alone... I just had this friend, I don't remember her name but we didn't work together, we just talked constantly and she wanted good things for me.
I remember one day, my son came to work and nobody was there, just me, and it was a little late; so I went outside, I was listening to music and when he saw me, he gave me a big smile, from the other side of the window.
I then, saw a man walking to him, it was someone I knew, an old professor from college, but he seemed different... something about him was different and I felt as if he were a stranger.
I then opened the door and came close to my son and the man just walked by us.
My son hugged me, and kissed my cheek; I could feel all his love and I could feel how much I loved him...
Then he said: "Mom, will you get in any trouble if I'm here" and I said: "No! don't worry..! nothing will happen" and I hugged him.

I don't remember much more, but I woke up with a strange, interesting feeling...

Lesson learned:
I have no idea, many say that you can get messages when you dream, I honestly don't know... all I know is that it is when we dream, it's unexpected, so they're my favorite way of remembering people and how much I love them, because you never know what's gonna happen in a dream.

Typical

I hate being the typical girl who always starts a new post saying "I know I haven't posted anything recently, but there's been so much to do..!!!"

So instead of doing that... I'll make a different post for that...

will that make me any different?